A Fragile mind

Found out that A friend of mine died today. I can't say honestly we were close, I met him only in passing at a convention, but he was a friend none the less.

An amazing guy who always seemed to have a smile on his face and even got up and danced with me in a silly music video I made for fun.

It's not that he died that gets me though, but the news that it was suicide that struck me the hardest.


What drives someone like him to do that? What drives a man to say "I can't take the world anymore"
that they pull the proverbial trigger? What brings someone to such a deep pit of despair that there is no other way out?

As I stated he always seemed so full of energy and happiness. Not the kind of person you would think has the potential to even consider suicide... Not the kind of person you would put on a watch or have to sit down and ask "Are you ok?"

But than, I didn't know him in his personal life. Maybe it wasn't all smiles and rainbows. Do we ever truly know someone how we see them? Do we ever truly know what goes on in another's mind?

And what of my own mind? Sometimes I hear small voices that say "It's the only answer"
I push them aside like they are nothing but I'm not exactly going to win an award for the most "All together guy." I'm broken inside, slowly picking up the pieces each day.


I'm a fragile mind. Ever shattering. Yet I pick up the pieces and go on, smile on my face to brighten the days of those around me.

But how much longer till even that smile fades? How much longer till I can no longer wear it even if it's for show? How long till those little voices become the only voices? Till my shiny swords and knives start to look less like trophies and more like "Close friends".

A little too close....If You follow.


I tell myself every day that I am not suicidal. I tell myself everyday that there are too many people on this earth who would miss me upon taking that self propelled journey to the other side. ANd I love them all so very much. I love them all so much it hurts. I feel their pain. I see the tears in their eyes as they stand over the casket that has yet to be filled.

I hear those caskets are cozy...

Yet I see their tears and I know I must press on, no matter how dark the shadows get. No matter how scary things become. I must press on. Too many people depend on me to wake up tomorrow.

For them I press on.

What drives a man to have such thoughts?